Let's be clear - I am single, a hermit, and work alone in a business where all the clients are women. Haven't been on a date in over a year...So I am nowhere near getting married. But, I would like to get married on New Year's Eve and move to your town and live next to you and be your bestie. And you have a single man in your life that you respect but are not actively dating. So help a sister out:
I would like this ring:
And I will wear this dress:
Oh, to pump him up here is what I bring to the table:
I am 5'8" with long blond hair. (That's usually enough.) But if he needs more to whet his appetite:
I give a sensational massage.
I have an addiction to school, so I have an impressive, but not debilitating, school loan debt.
I speak fluent Spanish. Which I will do during "sexy time".
I will move anywhere. Except the buttcrack freezing Midwest.
I have an awesome mother who will treat him like royalty when I don't.
Some people think I am funny.
Before you waste your time snapping photos of your 55 year old ex-stepfather, my future hubby:
Is Christian. But not in an annoying way.
Is 5'11" or taller.
Does not wear jewelry except a wedding band and watch. (Not wearing a wedding band right now.)
Is athletic. (Video games are not sports.)
Has most of his hair.
Is 32 - 40 years young.
Will allow me to handle all decorating decisions for the home.
Is Jake Gyllenhaal or looks like him. (Not necessary but gets you a huge present if this is your candidate.)
Is this the weirdest post ever? Seems like I have a lot more to offer than my future hubby. Oh well. I am not kidding, peeps. Get on this today.