Thursday, April 7, 2011

Save the Date! (My wedding plans)

Let's be clear - I am single, a hermit, and work alone in a business where all the clients are women.  Haven't been on a date in over a year...So I am nowhere near getting married. But, I would like to get married on New Year's Eve and move to your town and live next to you and be your bestie. And you have a single man in your life that you respect but are not actively dating. So help a sister out:
I would like this ring:

And I will wear this dress:
And it will just be the two of us, the minister, and the photographer (as witness) at this glass chapel in Hot Springs, Arkansas:
Of course at that time of year it will look like this:
Which will be cool for photos of us walking and holding hands - but not too posed cuz I hate formal pictures like this:
Don't you want this to happen? Of course you do. Send a short letter of introduction to your brother, friend, cousin, UPS man, etc.. with a head shot and full body shot to
Oh, to pump him up here is what I bring to the table:

I am 5'8" with long blond hair. (That's usually enough.) But if he needs more to whet his appetite:
I give a sensational massage.
I have an addiction to school, so I have an impressive, but not debilitating, school loan debt.
I speak fluent Spanish. Which I will do during "sexy time".
I will move anywhere. Except the buttcrack freezing Midwest.
I have an awesome mother who will treat him like royalty when I don't.
Some people think I am funny.

Before you waste your time snapping photos of your 55 year old ex-stepfather, my future hubby:

Is Christian. But not in an annoying way.
Is 5'11" or taller.
Does not wear jewelry except a wedding band and watch. (Not wearing a wedding band right now.)
Is athletic. (Video games are not sports.)
Has most of his hair.
Is 32 - 40 years young.
Will allow me to handle all decorating decisions for the home.
Is Jake Gyllenhaal or looks like him. (Not necessary but gets you a huge present if this is your candidate.)

Is this the weirdest post ever? Seems like I have a lot more to offer than my future hubby. Oh well. I am not kidding, peeps. Get on this today.


Anonymous said...

My jaw hurts from excessive open mouth laughing. You've outdone yourself E.

I'm going to peruse my address book now.

Elizabeth said...

Always glad to make you laugh - if you don't find anyone for me I will be happy to give you massages and speak Spanish during sexy time.
xoxox, E

erika @ small shop said...

Wow this DOES sound like my husband! And I sometimes think he looks like Jake G. But he's 5'-10" so a wee bit shorter than you like.

I do know a few eligible bachelors, but bachelor #1 is an architect (I wouldn't do that to you b.c you're my friend), #2 is brilliantly funny/tall/smart/from Hawaii but is spending these days bartending, and bachelor #3 is a fireman/surfer/super sweet but he lives in Hawaii...too far?

Elizabeth said...

Well, since your hubby is taken, I will take the other three. Please send more info and get this party started!

Tamra of walkswithBella said...

My hubs has eligible bachelors in NYC! Definitely hit me up if you are in town. I need more girls to hang out when the guys are around! love the "will let me handle decorating decisions" i should of asked my hubs that before we tied the knot! the mr. wants to be involved in every decision!! :)

This is the my favorite post of the day. Thanks for the fun.

Elizabeth said...

Tamra - I lived in NYC for a year - wish I had known you then! I will def hit you and hubby and all the bachelors up when I come visit...

Jamie L. said...

Whomever the hub will be, he is going to be the winner! However, you need to change the criteria to say - must be in NOLA. You can't leave me.

Elizabeth said...

Thanks, Jamie! But even if I move from New Orleans, I will always be stalking you from afar! hahaha