Save the Date! (My wedding plans)

Let's be clear - I am single, a hermit, and work alone in a business where all the clients are women.  Haven't been on a date in over a year...So I am nowhere near getting married. But, I would like to get married on New Year's Eve and move to your town and live next to you and be your bestie. And you have a single man in your life that you respect but are not actively dating. So help a sister out:
I would like this ring:

And I will wear this dress:

And it will just be the two of us, the minister, and the photographer (as witness) at this glass chapel in Hot Springs, Arkansas:

Of course at that time of year it will look like this:

Which will be cool for photos of us walking and holding hands - but not too posed cuz I hate formal pictures like this:

Don't you want this to happen? Of course you do. Send a short letter of introduction to your brother, friend, cousin, UPS man, etc.. with a head shot and full body shot to elizabethneworleans@hotmail.com.
Oh, to pump him up here is what I bring to the table:

I am 5'8" with long blond hair. (That's usually enough.) But if he needs more to whet his appetite:
I give a sensational massage.
I have an addiction to school, so I have an impressive, but not debilitating, school loan debt.
I speak fluent Spanish. Which I will do during "sexy time".
I will move anywhere. Except the buttcrack freezing Midwest.
I have an awesome mother who will treat him like royalty when I don't.
Some people think I am funny.

Before you waste your time snapping photos of your 55 year old ex-stepfather, my future hubby:

Is Christian. But not in an annoying way.
Is 5'11" or taller.
Does not wear jewelry except a wedding band and watch. (Not wearing a wedding band right now.)
Is athletic. (Video games are not sports.)
Has most of his hair.
Is 32 - 40 years young.
Will allow me to handle all decorating decisions for the home.
Is Jake Gyllenhaal or looks like him. (Not necessary but gets you a huge present if this is your candidate.)

Is this the weirdest post ever? Seems like I have a lot more to offer than my future hubby. Oh well. I am not kidding, peeps. Get on this today.
E