Thursday, April 7, 2011

Save the Date! (My wedding plans)

Let's be clear - I am single, a hermit, and work alone in a business where all the clients are women.  Haven't been on a date in over a year...So I am nowhere near getting married. But, I would like to get married on New Year's Eve and move to your town and live next to you and be your bestie. And you have a single man in your life that you respect but are not actively dating. So help a sister out:
I would like this ring:

And I will wear this dress:
And it will just be the two of us, the minister, and the photographer (as witness) at this glass chapel in Hot Springs, Arkansas:
Of course at that time of year it will look like this:
Which will be cool for photos of us walking and holding hands - but not too posed cuz I hate formal pictures like this:
Don't you want this to happen? Of course you do. Send a short letter of introduction to your brother, friend, cousin, UPS man, etc.. with a head shot and full body shot to elizabethneworleans@hotmail.com.
Oh, to pump him up here is what I bring to the table:

I am 5'8" with long blond hair. (That's usually enough.) But if he needs more to whet his appetite:
I give a sensational massage.
I have an addiction to school, so I have an impressive, but not debilitating, school loan debt.
I speak fluent Spanish. Which I will do during "sexy time".
I will move anywhere. Except the buttcrack freezing Midwest.
I have an awesome mother who will treat him like royalty when I don't.
Some people think I am funny.

Before you waste your time snapping photos of your 55 year old ex-stepfather, my future hubby:

Is Christian. But not in an annoying way.
Is 5'11" or taller.
Does not wear jewelry except a wedding band and watch. (Not wearing a wedding band right now.)
Is athletic. (Video games are not sports.)
Has most of his hair.
Is 32 - 40 years young.
Will allow me to handle all decorating decisions for the home.
Is Jake Gyllenhaal or looks like him. (Not necessary but gets you a huge present if this is your candidate.)

Is this the weirdest post ever? Seems like I have a lot more to offer than my future hubby. Oh well. I am not kidding, peeps. Get on this today.
E

8 comments:

thelonelywifeproject said...

My jaw hurts from excessive open mouth laughing. You've outdone yourself E.

I'm going to peruse my address book now.

Elizabeth said...

Always glad to make you laugh - if you don't find anyone for me I will be happy to give you massages and speak Spanish during sexy time.
xoxox, E

erika @ small shop said...

Wow this DOES sound like my husband! And I sometimes think he looks like Jake G. But he's 5'-10" so a wee bit shorter than you like.

I do know a few eligible bachelors, but bachelor #1 is an architect (I wouldn't do that to you b.c you're my friend), #2 is brilliantly funny/tall/smart/from Hawaii but is spending these days bartending, and bachelor #3 is a fireman/surfer/super sweet but he lives in Hawaii...too far?

Elizabeth said...

Well, since your hubby is taken, I will take the other three. Please send more info and get this party started!
E

Tamra of walkswithBella said...

My hubs has eligible bachelors in NYC! Definitely hit me up if you are in town. I need more girls to hang out when the guys are around! love the "will let me handle decorating decisions" i should of asked my hubs that before we tied the knot! the mr. wants to be involved in every decision!! :)

This is the my favorite post of the day. Thanks for the fun.

tamrasanford.blogspot.com

Elizabeth said...

Tamra - I lived in NYC for a year - wish I had known you then! I will def hit you and hubby and all the bachelors up when I come visit...
E

Jamie L. said...

Whomever the hub will be, he is going to be the winner! However, you need to change the criteria to say - must be in NOLA. You can't leave me.

Elizabeth said...

Thanks, Jamie! But even if I move from New Orleans, I will always be stalking you from afar! hahaha
E